what you were what I am what we might be
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Niou is changing, Yagyuu is not, and they are both stupid. There is a definite lack of communication here.
1. Yagyuu

****

who you were...who I am...who we might be.

Niou had always been wild. That was not the real problem; wild could be dealt with and tolerated. However, Niou had crossed the fine line between wild and going too far. He couldn't hold down a job. He either got bored of what he was doing and quit, or he got fired for doing something stupid, such as drinking on the job. Niou drank too much, smoked too much (and not always cigarettes, either; who knew what other kinds of things he liked to inhale, or ingest), and he spent too many nights away from home, somewhere unknown, doing things that were bound to land him with either an illegitimate child or several painful diseases.

Niou did too many things that caused Yagyuu to think in run-on sentences.

Yagyuu had a feeling that if Niou was living elsewhere, instead of sharing an apartment with him, then he would not have particularly cared how Niou carried on. Then again, that was probably because if Niou had never moved in with him, he would not have cared in the first place.

The biggest issue at the current moment was the fact that Niou was a terrible room mate, and Yagyuu was getting sick of it. There had been a time, once, when they had gotten along very well, and sharing an apartment suited them just fine. That was, however, a time long past, in the days when Niou had still been just a wild teenager, instead of an adult slowly destroying himself through his reckless actions.

-----

Niou and Yagyuu started sharing an apartment right after high school, when they both went to college. They were going into much different professions of course; Yagyuu was going to study medicine, and Niou was planning on some sort of future in business. They had remained friends past junior high and through high school, and living together just seemed like a natural turn of events.

The first night that Niou came home high was a few days before his first exams.

"Everything makes more sense when I can't think properly," he said, breath blowing into Yagyuu's face. Yagyuu had wrinkled his nose in disgust at the smell of him, and backed up a few steps.

"What's the matter, Hiroshi?" Niou asked. He advanced on the retreating Yagyuu. "Haven't you wanted me to do this for a while now?"

"Wanted you to do what, Masaharu?"

"Kiss you, of course."

Niou, though very out of it, managed to press his lips against Yagyuu's, and Yagyuu experienced the most disgusting kiss of his life.

"Go to bed, Masaharu. I don't like you right now," he said, after pushing Niou away. He did it calmly, he knew that he appeared calm, and for the most part he really was calm inside -- except for that little part of him that was beginning to worry.

"You'll like me well enough in the morning," Niou said, and he stumbled to his bedroom.

Yagyuu stayed up all night watching old movies with the windows open and the fan on, while he waited for the smell of drugs to blow away.

-----

The second time Niou came home high, he and Yagyuu ended up having sex. Yagyuu was never quite sure how it happened, really; he remembered Niou coming in with the smell on his breath, and he remembered being disgusted by it -- but he'd had a little too much to drink, that night, it being one of the rare occasions that he indulged in alcohol.

It was ironic, because Niou was the reason he had indulged in that alcohol in the first place, since he'd learned that morning that Niou had dropped out of school. The thought had upset him more than he cared to admit, and the alcohol had really helped to put the anxiety out of his mind.

So, Yagyuu remembered being disgusted by the smell of Niou's breath, but he didn't remember exactly why he'd kissed Niou, then. He couldn't really remember why he'd lost his careful control, and had his way with Niou like he'd always wanted to.

He did remember waking up in his bed alone, a little confused, and thinking that he shouldn't be alone because --

Then he got out of bed and found Niou in the kitchen, eating his breakfast, and looking at the newspaper.

"I'll find work somewhere," he said.

Yagyuu nodded. "I'm sure you will," he said.

"It doesn't matter if I don't go to college anymore. It was too hard for me, there."

"I never thought that you were a quitter," Yagyuu said.

"I'm not. I just know my limitations, is all."

"You used to think that there was no such thing as a limitation." Yagyuu sat down across from Niou at the table, and picked up the section of the paper that Niou had discarded. It was full of bad news, as always. The whole world was going to shit, apparently. That suited Yagyuu's mood just fine.

"Yeah, well. People change, right?"

"Yes, they do."

"You know, just because we screwed last night doesn't mean anything, right? I was high, and I don't think you were all that sober either, because if you were, you'd have gotten rid of me like last time. Right?"

"You're very smart, Masaharu. I don't know why you thought you couldn't handle college."

"Don't be bitchy, Hiroshi. Not this early in the morning, anyway. Whatever, this won't happen again, so let's not worry about it."

"I won't," Yagyuu said. A few moments ago, he had sworn never to drink again. Some part of him wished that Niou would make such a promise, but that hardly seemed likely.

"I'm going out," Niou said, folding up the paper. "I won't be back until tomorrow, probably. See you."

Yagyuu wondered why people had to change. He hadn't changed, much; he was still the same person who had become very fond of Niou over the years. He was still the same person who hid whatever he was feeling from the world, and sometimes even from himself. He was still the same Yagyuu Hiroshi that he had always been, but Niou was someone else entirely.

Where was the Niou that he had liked so much?

-----

Niou started staying out all night more and more often after that. Yagyuu worked his way through college, and quite predictably came out on top of his class. He knew that Niou would have done the same, had he bothered to stay in college.

He asked Niou one night what had made him decide to drop out. He didn't really expect an answer, but Niou did give him one.

"It was boring," he said. "I wanted to try something exciting. I think life is much better these days, really."

A life full of various women, or maybe men -- Yagyuu had never asked -- drugs, drinking...and whatever else. Who knew what Niou got up to? Yagyuu was certainly not going to ask. It was none of his business. It was not his way to ask questions or get involved. No, he had not changed much at all over the years, and he suspected that he never would.

"You won't be able to keep this up forever," Yagyuu said.

"Why not?" Niou asked.

"I won't always be here to save your ass," Yagyuu replied.

"Sure you will. I'm your best friend, right?"

"You were," Yagyuu said, "Before you decided to become whatever it is you are becoming."

"I'm still the same old me."

Yagyuu decided not to argue, because he simply wasn't in the mood. Why bother to point out that if he was still the same old Niou he would still be in college right now, and quite happy to pull the occasional stupid prank on random stuffy old ladies, instead of going out every night to "live it up"? Niou wouldn't listen to him anyway.

-----

They did not have sex again after that. Yagyuu made sure not to drink, so he was always sober when Niou came home. When Niou arrived high on something or simply wasted from alcohol, he made sure to direct him to his own room.

He knew that he really wouldn't mind being with Niou that way, but there were several factors that rendered that idea a bad one, not the least of which being that he was sure Niou must have one or more STDs by now, and he did not want to catch any of them.

The main reason, however, was that Niou thought of him in exactly the same way that he thought of everyone else -- as someone who could be used for his enjoyment, his entertainment.

Yagyuu did not like to be used.

Niou had begun using him some time ago, for various things. He counted on Yagyuu to provide him with shelter, for the nights when he couldn't find someone to screw around with. He counted on Yagyuu to feed him when he couldn't find someone rich to take him out to an expensive restaurant.

He counted on Yagyuu to be there, and Yagyuu always was.

Yagyuu did not like to be used, but there seemed to be little choice in the matter.

Maybe it was the STDs after all.

-----

Yagyuu secured a good job, and remained in it. Niou had various different jobs at odd intervals, but most of the time he did not work at all. He did not pay for his share of anything, and that was what angered Yagyuu the most. Niou was perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but instead, he chose to let himself go to shit. Just like the rest of the world.

It was unbearable.

-----

Yagyuu was sure that there was some way he could have stopped things from turning out this way, but it was too late for that now.

"Masaharu. If you don't pay your half of the rent this month, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Meaning what, you'll kick me out?" Niou laughed. "Yeah, right. You don't have the balls to do anything like that. You love me too much, don't you, Hiroshi?"

Yagyuu stiffened. "Pay the rent this month," he said, in reply. He did not deny Niou's jest, because there was really no point. Niou did not really believe what he'd just said; he would never have believed that Yagyuu loved him. Niou would not give a rat's ass if Yagyuu loved him.

If Niou cared about anything, he would not have let himself become like this. If Niou cared about anything, he would have made something of himself, and would never have expected Yagyuu to tolerate all the stupid things that he did. If Niou cared about anything...

But Niou didn't care about anything.

"You won't kick me out," Niou said again, though this time he sounded a little less certain.

Yagyuu did not respond to that. Niou eventually got tired of the silence, and went out to seek some form of entertainment. What, Yagyuu did not want to know.

-----

Yagyuu stayed up all night reading. He was not waiting up for Niou. He had given up hope on that respect; no matter how many nights he waited up, Niou never came home.

Someone always came home eventually, but it wasn't Niou.

-----

"Get out," Yagyuu said.

"What?"

"I said, get out. I'm the one who is paying the rent, so I have every right to tell you to leave."

"But --"

Yagyuu shook his head. "I told you that if you didn't pay your half of the rent this month that I would ask you to leave."

Niou studied him for a long moment. "I think I was wrong about you."

"Probably." Yagyuu opened the door, and held it open while Niou packed up his things. He continued to hold it open long after Niou had gone. He did not realize he was still standing there; he was lost in a memory somewhere, trying to remember just why he loved Niou Masaharu so much. It was hard to remember the reason, now, but he couldn't deny that the feeling was still there.

-----

Yagyuu stayed up all night staring into an empty glass. He never bothered to fill it, because he knew that if he started drinking, he wouldn't stop until he'd drunk himself to death. Being a doctor, he knew that death wasn't healthy.

-----

Yagyuu Hiroshi had loved Niou Masaharu for a long time; probably since junior high when they'd first played doubles tennis together. The feeling had developed over time, and had finally become something that was impossible to ignore, though he'd tried to ignore it time and time again.

It was obvious, so obvious, that Niou didn't care. It was obvious that Niou would never care, and that one day Niou was going to end up dead in a ditch somewhere because he'd pissed off the wrong person while high, or because he'd been driving drunk, or because he'd died of one of those STDs -- or maybe he would end up dead in that ditch because his roommate couldn't stand his ways anymore, and kicked him out.

-----

Yagyuu looked down at the miserable-looking man seated on the ground in the park. He was lucky to have found him; lucky that Niou had come here. They had been here many times in the past, together, before they'd become the way they were now.

Niou looked up at him, and looked surprised to see him.

"Have you come to watch me in my misery?" he asked bitterly.

"No." Yagyuu reached out a hand to him. "I've come to save your ass. You were right on several accounts, Masaharu. I won't leave you here in misery."

"What else was I right about?" Niou asked.

"I do love you, no matter what stupid things you get into. I can't help it; that's something that I've realized. You are a part of my life now, and I don't think that I can get rid of you this easily."

"Why would you want to get rid of me? I can show you a good time, you know."

"You've had enough practice," Yagyuu said, in a stinging tone of voice. "Don't try to seduce me, or I'll leave you here. Take my hand if you want to come home."

Of course Niou would take his hand; Yagyuu was his free ride through life. With Yagyuu around, he could continue his chosen lifestyle as he wished. Yagyuu would not try to stop him; he had never really tried to stop him.

Niou ignored the outstretched hand, and stood on his own, brushing himself off. It was then that Yagyuu knew his life might actually be worth living, and that maybe -- just maybe -- the world was not as doomed as it seemed sometimes.

"I never really thought you'd ever say that you loved me, even if you did. I didn't think you cared, all of these years."

"If I didn't care, why would I have put up with you?"

Niou shrugged. "Who knows? I guess I should have realized that you cared at least a little, since you put up with a worthless asshole like me."

"You're many things, Masaharu, but never worthless."

"Can you really say that, after all the things I've done?"

"If you have any regrets at all, then yes, I can say that."

"What if I don't have any regrets?"

"Then you would have taken my hand and come home with me, and continued to make my life miserable by ruining your own. We wouldn't be having this conversation, now."

"I can't change who I am," Niou said. "When we go back, I'll do exactly as I have been doing."

"Maybe you can't change who you are, but I'll never forget who you were."

"You should," Niou said. "You should forget all about that, and you should leave me lying in the snow tonight."

Yagyuu suddenly wondered how Niou really felt about his life. A few minutes ago he had been making stupid comments, as usual, but now it seemed he was being serious. Did he truly believe that he was worthless? Did he actually care how Yagyuu felt about anything? The thought was enough to give Yagyuu at least some hope. He reached out his hand once more. "I'm not going to leave you lying in the snow tonight, nor am I going to let you destroy yourself any further. From now on, Masaharu, you're going to be someone different, and so am I."

This time, Niou took it.

Maybe things would change, and maybe they wouldn't; that wasn't what really mattered.

What mattered was that this time, Yagyuu wouldn't sit back and watch Niou destroy himself. This time, he would either help him recover, or he would let himself be destroyed as well.

-----

TBC


	2. Niou

Part 2

"Why do you put up with me?" Niou asked. He was in Yagyuu's bed, with Yagyuu. They were both sober, this time.

"I mean, if I were you, I would have just left me in the snow tonight, no matter how much I loved me. That sounded confusing, but you know what I mean."

"Yes, I know what you mean. You're not me, though, Massharu."

"Are you really just going to let me keep on living here?" Niou asked. "Without paying rent, or anything?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"You asked that question earlier."

"You never answered it."

Yagyuu rubbed at one of his eyes. Niou had only seen him without his glasses once, and he'd been high at the time. No, that wasn't true; he could remember one other time, now.

It was in high school. They usually ate lunch outside, under a tree. Yagyuu had dozed off -- which was very unlike him. He must have been very tired, to let his guard down enough to risk being late for class. Perhaps he had trusted Niou enough to wake him when it was time to go in, but to Niou, that had not seemed very likely. Yagyuu trusted no one.

Niou had carefully removed Yagyuu's glasses, somehow managing to do so without Yagyuu waking. He had watched Yagyuu that entire lunch hour, for once not feeling the need for any other entertainment.

Yagyuu's sleeping face had been very nice to look at, and that had been the day that Niou had realized just how much he liked the guy.

When Yagyuu had stirred a little, and opened his eyes, Niou had noticed something, the same thing that he noticed now.

Behind those glasses that he'd worn for the years that Niou had known him, Yagyuu was...well...human. There were real emotions in those eyes that he couldn't normally see.

It was frightening.

"I want to save you this time, Masaharu. Save you for real. I don't want to ignore the things you do and let it eat away at my conscience; I don't want to sit up all night and wait for you to come home, knowing full well that you won't."

"What if I don't want to change?"

"I can only hope that you do."

"I don't know. Life is pretty exciting right now."

"Maybe so, but you're entering a downward spiral. You're going to hit bottom, one day."

"Yeah. Maybe. So what?"

"Tell me why you started doing drugs. Tell me why you really dropped out of college. Tell me all the things that I never asked you to tell me about before, Masaharu."

__

If only I had realized that he cared.

"If you really want to hear it, then I'll tell you."

-----

It started out simply enough. College was a lot harder than high school, and Niou felt a little stressed. He did his best to hide it from Yagyuu, because he hated admitting to it. He was Niou Masaharu, and he could do anything, damn it.

It was around that time that Niou met some new friends. He was still a wild one and he thought would be fun to go out with them. They seemed to like doing wild things, too, and he thought that a little fun would help him out.

He found out that they were a little more wild than he was used to. He had never run with a crowd; throughout high school he'd spent most of his time with Yagyuu, and had been perfectly content that way. He'd never had a chance to meet up with these kinds of people.

Now, though, they were offering him things that he had never really considered. Try it, they told him. You'll like it.

Niou refused at first. He knew that Yagyuu wouldn't like it, and while he liked to torture his roommate on occasion, this would be different. It would be...wrong, somehow.

Then again, would Yagyuu even care at all?

-----

Niou felt utterly rejected on the night that Yagyuu pushed him away.

"Everything makes more sense when I can't think properly," Niou said. His brain felt fuzzy, but at least he knew for sure what he really wanted in this moment; what he had always wanted.

"Haven't you wanted me to do this for a while now?" Niou asked, advancing on Yagyuu. What he really meant was that he had wanted to do this for a long time, but had never gotten around to it. He cursed the drugs for making him incoherent, but loved them for giving him courage.

"Wanted you to do what, Masaharu?"

"Kiss you, of course."

Sure, he was high, but he'd hoped that Yagyuu would at least return the kiss. He wanted to know how Yagyuu really felt; he wanted to know if Yagyuu felt anything at all.

Apparently, all that Yagyuu felt for him was disgust.

"Go to bed, Masaharu. I don't like you right now."

"You'll like me well enough in the morning." Niou wasn't at all sure if that was true or not, but he really hoped that it was. He stumbled back to his room, and passed out on his bed, without even changing his clothes.

For the longest time, he had been quite infatuated with Yagyuu; with his pretty face, his calm and collected ways...with his strange sense of humor, that only he knew how to interpret...Maybe he had even fallen in love with Yagyuu, but love was a very strong word that Niou didn't really like.

The rejection hit him hard. He couldn't think properly these days, and he didn't stop to think what Yagyuu might have done about the kiss had he been sober.

-----

Niou decided to quit college. It was too hard, especially now that he was doing drugs on a semi-regular basis. Nothing made sense anymore. He called his parents and told them the morning he made his decision. His father was furious, told him that they weren't giving him any more money ever, and then hung up on him. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be speaking with his father again any time soon.

He told Yagyuu about his decision sometime after the phone call, and Yagyuu showed no reaction whatsoever.

That night, he told his new crowd about the decision, and they were delighted. He would have much more time to play now, they said. He had a feeling that he should be happy about that, but he wasn't.

-----

When he got home that night, Yagyuu jumped him. Yagyuu was drunk, and Niou was high, and some part of him realized that he really shouldn't be doing this, but it felt so good.

That night, when he lay staring at the ceiling, Niou decided to change his ways. He decided that from then on, he would stop doing the drugs, stop hanging out with the crowd, and go back to trying to please his roommate. He decided that he wouldn't drop out of college after all.

He went to sleep full of resolve, but when he woke up it shattered.

When he saw Yagyuu at the breakfast table, same expression on his face as always, he felt sick to his stomach. Yagyuu didn't give a damn about anything, apparently.

Niou was looking at the paper for jobs. He figured that would be the best idea, since his parents had stopped his allowance.

"I'll find work somewhere," he said. He wanted Yagyuu to know that he'd decided to change, but he couldn't say that outright. He'd never been good at expressing his feelings.

"I'm sure you will."

Why was Yagyuu's tone always so flat? Damn it, Niou wanted to hear some emotion, something to let him know that Yagyuu was human!

"It doesn't matter if I don't go to college anymore. It was too hard for me, there."

"I never thought that you were a quitter." Yagyuu's voice stung.

"I'm not. I just know my limitations, is all." It was hard for Niou to admit to his failings, but there it was. He was putting himself out in the open.

"You used to think there was no such thing as a limitation."

"Yeah, well. People change, right?"

"Yes, they do."

Niou snapped. "You know, just because we screwed last night doesn't mean anything, right? I was high. I don't think you were all that sober either, because if you were, you'd have gotten rid of me like last time, right?"

Immediately after the words were out of his mouth, Niou regretted them. He didn't think that way at all, he didn't think it was meaningless. He had wanted this for so long, so long -- how could he say all of that?

"You're very smart, Masaharu. I don't know why you thought you couldn't handle college."

"Don't be bitchy, Hiroshi. Not this early in the morning, anyway. Whatever, this won't happen again, so let's not worry about it." Niou was extremely bitter. Yagyuu didn't care about him at all; had never cared about him, would never care about him. Why should he bother changing his ways? At least he could enjoy himself with his new friends. At least they cared about him a little.

"I'm going out. I won't be back until tomorrow, probably. See you."

That night, Niou tried something new. His friends wanted to go to a brothel. Maybe a night of meaningless sex would make him feel better. His first time had not been particularly special, since Yagyuu hadn't cared about it at all, so what did it matter now?

-----

One night, Yagyuu asked Niou what had really made him decide to drop out of college.

"It was boring," Niou replied. "I wanted to try something exciting. I think life is much better these days, really." That wasn't true at all. Anything that left Niou's mouth these days was a lie. It was becoming compulsive.

"You won't be able to keep this up forever," Yagyuu said.

"Why not?"

"I won't always be here to save your ass," Yagyuu replied.

"Sure you will. I'm your best friend, right?" Niou didn't even believe that anymore. He didn't think that Yagyuu had ever been his best friend in the first place.

"You were, before you decided to become whatever it is you are becoming."

Niou wanted to blame him, wanted to scream at Yagyuu that it was his fault, damn it! Instead, he said, "I'm still the same old me."

He wasn't, not at all; but Yagyuu didn't argue with him, so he let it be.

-----

"Masaharu. If you don't pay your half of the rent this month, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Meaning what, you'll kick me out?" Niou laughed. "Yeeah, right. You don't have the balls to do anything like that. You love me too much, don't you, Hiroshi?"

Of course Yagyuu didn't love him. Of course Yagyuu had the balls to throw him out. Niou was counting on it.

Niou felt incredibly miserable. He had done his best to become something that Yagyuu could really hate, and now...Yagyuu really hated him.

It was painful, how his plan had worked. What he'd really wanted was for Yagyuu to show some concern, and help him out of this mess he'd gotten into. What he got was an angry Yagyuu who had no time for him anymore.

He decided that he would prefer to be thrown out.

"Pay the rent this month," Yagyuu said, after a long silence.

"You won't kick me out," Niou said, though this time he didn't try to hide the fact that he knew it wasn't true.

Yagyuu was silent again, and Niou couldn't take it anymore.

That night, his friends suggested that he could make a lot of money if he started to sell himself out. They were right; prostitution did pay well, but it was not very satisfying. Nothing was satisfying anymore.

-----

"Get out," Yagyuu said.

"What?"

"I said, get out. I'm the one who is paying the rent, so I have every right to tell you to leave."

"But --"

Yagyuu shook his head. "I told you that if you didn't pay your half of the rent this month that I would have to ask you to leave."

Niou studied him for a long moment. "I was wrong about you," he said. Years ago, he had actually believed that Yagyuu cared about him, at least a little. Now, he knew better.

"Probably." Yagyuu held the door open for him as he packed. He did not have much to bring with him; he didn't want to take anything that would remind him of Yagyuu.

Niou didn't look back when he left. He hoped that he would be able to forget everything, and that he would never have to look back again.

-----

"Then I went to the park, and you found me there," Niou said. "Now I know that you did give a damn all along, but..."

"You didn't, then."

"I guess we've both been pretty stupid," Niou said.

"It seems that way."

There was a silence, but it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. They were both thinking about the future; of what things might be like, one day.

"I think I do want to change after all," Niou said. "Maybe I'll go back to being somewhat of a brat, but at least I'll have a clear head."

Yagyuu smiled. "I'll change, as well. I'll be impossible to live with, but at least I won't be a coldhearted bastard."

They laughed together for the first time in a very long time, and Niou dared to hope that maybe he would have a happy ending.

-----


End file.
